html woes

so...i've kinda decided that it's a shame i don't know more html coding.

i guess that's my own fault.
i should probably work on it if i want to know more...
but it seems like such a waste of time, when instead of going out and learning the coding myself, i can just mimick, copy and paste things from other sources. hmmm...

and then there's the whole, "html is so over-rated, and we're all gonna come up with our own codes and use those instead to make it harder for people to figure out how to do stuff until they learn this new code" issue.
i'm almost anti-that...but only because i'm uneducated on the issue, and mildly unwilling to put forth any necessary efforts to conform.

i'm so anti-establishment...

:)

the box

so...the other day i'm in aberdeen, right? my uncle lives there...and he has a wood shop.
for the last few days i've had the idea that i'm gonna build a wooden box, in the shape of a conversation heart. a white one...with red lettering on the top...you know the wintermint flavor, necco type.

so, i get him to assist me. this means that i stand around and do a lot of watching while he does the work. he was super, and did an amazing job! he even supplied me with sandpaper and oil stain...

at home i finish it up...
sanding...
staining...
painting...

next thing i know...it's sunday, and i've got a grass ring on my finger.
hmmm...ideas...

so, that makes it up in my head...

i braid a ring out of grass...which fits my style of doing things well enough--corny and silly.
i have a couple boxes of hearts rigged up for my purposes...and it's off to town to run errands with mom.

so, i'm driving...whitney's next to me in the passenger seat. the candy boxes are in visible sight line position...the heart concealed under the spring-loaded lid over the cup holders.
after mild prompting, i get her to start eating the box i have prepared for her.
we're hoarding all the white ones that say "marry me," because that's the thing to do.
oddly enough...all of the white ones seem to say that.
weird...

as we're driving along, there's a point where we are no longer moving. at this point, it has been ascertained that all the white hearts say "marry me."
weird...

i comment on the weirdness of this, as i push the top of the spring-loaded lid.
POP!
(okay...more GENTLE SLIDE!....but that's not near as dramatic)

she has a funny look on her face.

i pull out the box, and take out the ring.

it's okay...looks aren't everything... lol... :P

i forgot to account for knuckles...dang it!

it goes on.

she still seems to not be totally coherent... :)

she said yes.

another one bites the dust

ok...so...ow!

i was riding my bike today (being as my car is a little out of commission...). i'm coming down state, by the construction, and need to get on the sidewalk.

no biggy, right?

do it all the time, right?

well, just as i'm about to pop my tire up onto the curb, i get this silly thought in my head: this is gonna hurt.

mosty i try to ignore it...

then i realize why...

as i mount the curb, my front tire decides to come off...with me still attached to said bike. the front end digs into the curb, and i proceed--with the back end of the bike--to go over the front end of the bike, onto the side walk. i manage to catch myself with my right knee and left wrist, and begin rolling across the sidewalk.

i figure, as i roll, that i'll just stop myself after one roll, right? no...there's another silly thought in my head that says this will cause more pain...and this time i listen a little faster. so, i roll myself a second time, and pop up onto my feet.

i quickly scan the surroundings. i hurriedly reach down, picking up the frame in my left hand and the front tire in my right, and walk on down the sidewalk as though nothing had happened...barely missing a beat!

i was so proud of my self...

sadly, i don't think anyone really saw it. there were a couple southbound cars passing...but i fear they may not have really caught the full beauty of the mishap. it's a shame that nobody was filming...it had to have been an amazing crash, just from the replays in my head... :)

hey...

so...i've realized that i may need to start carrying around a notebook with me to jot down ideas in...because i keep thinking of things that i want to write about...and then i forget by the time i get to a computer again.

grrr....

and, in other news...you (yes...you...right there...reading this...) should start making comments on posts as you read them. i know you read them--there's no denying that. so...what needs to happen now is interaction. that makes these things so much more worth while. just a line or two. that's all. as you feel it.
and i know you feel it.
you can't deny.
maybe you want to think you don't feel it...but as you read, you feel something.
you have a thought.
you want to say something.
go ahead...just do it!

cool...well that's all for now. tchao!

random thoughts at 2 am

so, i've been seeing a lot of movies lately. i blame this mostly on the fact that i "accidentally" subscribed to netflix... :)

anywho...this has led to me seeing several movies that deal with war, or are very closely related to war.

some of you may already know my particular thoughts on war (and by this, i mean most likely 3 of the 4 people i know who read this blog...). these have been deepened.

for those who don't know, my philosophies on war are as follows:

• war sucks...and should be avoided at all costs.
• i don't like war.
• there are few (and by that, i mean probably less than 5) things that could cause me to voluntarily go to war...this list does not include my country thinking it's a good idea to help out other countries with their problems. not that that's a bad thing to do...but there seem to be enough other people willing to make the sacrifice to help other nations that it doesn't necessitate my doing so--for which i'm thankful. coincidentally, if i were drafted for such a purpose, i would go. i wouldn't like it...but i'd do it. that is on the list.
• wars should be fought by the angry entities in question...and not by the masses under the control of said entities. i realize this becomes difficult to do at times...mostly because governments tend to be rather ethereal and non-physical entities. i'm still working on how to remedy that one...

so...like i was saying. these sentiments--and more than likely some others that i just haven't been able to make articulate yet--have become much reinforced over the last few days.

i really should have written this last night when i had all these thoughts in my head...but alas, i was sleepy, and i didn't have a computer at my disposal. oh well...

perhaps at this point i should clarify that i love my country very much. i have great respect for the enlisted men and women of this great nation who have and do look out for its welfare, as well as the greater altruistic causes that it concerns itself with. however...i don't feel it within my patriotic duties to get terribly involved in the life-threatening pursuits of other nation's affairs. perhaps this is merely a flaw in reasoning on my part. perhaps it is an ethical/moral weakness which i need to overcome. be that as it may. if i get sent to hell for that...i'm ok with it, for now at least.

but basically, i've been pondering...and i've decided that war--even more than i realized before--is silly. i can't explain it better than that. it's silly, and should be done away with. in general, neither of the military units that are facing one another, shooting bullets in each other's respective direction, has anything against the person werf is shooting at. in fact, i'm sure they would be really good friends if they just sat down and talked to each other and played a game of rummikub or something...

so...WHY do we need be out killing ourselves? there's no one that wants to be out there...everyone is just following the orders given by somebody a heck of lot higher up than werfself. and...eventually, it all comes down to politics (which, for those who are unaware, is the silliest game known to mankind!).

silly, silly politics.

and pride.

silly, silly pride.

why can't we all just be friends, play nice and talk out our differences? the world would be such a loverlier place to live...

it's worse than i thought...

60%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

yeah...so i blame nick for this, mostly...
well...not the percentage--i have to take certain amounts of blame for that.
mostly just the post...

declaration of...something...important?

so...i've been thinking that i'm gonna turn this more into a fully functional blog...though i'm not entirely sure. that would probably require purging it of certain bits of information. though...i don't suppose there's a) anything i need to hide or b) anything that's too terribly embarrassing to myself or any other party.

i'll just have to get used to the fact that the first forty or so entries deal to some small extent with the inner most workings of my heart and head--and what little conjunction there is that actually exists between the two of them--which i usually try to keep hidden from the rest of the world at large. this could be a good exercise in getting out of my bubble. yea!

and there is always consolation in the fact that this is a more or less anonymous blog...except for anyone who knows me well enough to make connections between the random stories and threads that i have going on here. but then, just about anyone that's gonna read it will be doing so almost solely because they know it is i that has written said blog. oh, dilemmas overwhelming!

whatever...i'll just deal, eh?

does that mean that i have to start using more correct grammar and punctuation? i shudder at the thought... give me freedom from the binding compulsion of orthography, or give me death!

at the heart: bad grammar...

love is you, for me...
blessed reciprocity!

this is heart, to you...
take and use and keep it, too!

words it is, you for...
ich liebe dich...je t'adore!

ruminations in a laurel forest...

i'm not gonna lie...i hope someone really catches on to the implications of that title... pure genius!

so...i've been up to a lot lately. you all know that already. i just feel like putting it in textual context to help it seem more real and less dream like in my head.

i guess, really...if you wanted to stop reading now, that would be okay--since this is mostly an exercise for my own personal benefit (but then, i wonder if this whole blog isn't just that...because really...i'm the...oh, never mind... pretend i didn't start this parenthetical encapsulation of nonsensical thoughts...).

wow... ok...where to start. how about the beginning...that tends to be a good place.

so, the other week (see the most recent report in respect to the date of this post...), i was in provo. while there, a plethora of random occurrences happened...and that's irrelevant to the present dictation. abe called while i was there, and asked if'n i wouldn't mind helping in a presentation being put on by his grandparents in honor of flag day...a patriotic ensemble if you will. there was to be a choir, but it was in desperate need of male voices. given my circumstances at the time, i probably should have said no. but...given my circumstances at the time, i agreed to do it.

upon my reentry to shelley, i found myself at the virginia on thursday. while there i met a few people that i knew and hadn't seen in ages. i also made the acquaintance of a new personage. it was a girl. first impresssion: she's cute, she's a little...hyper?, she's probably (?) ben's girlfriend... i didn't think too much of it at that point. there was perhaps some mild mannered flirtage on my part...normal enough when in the presence of an attractive young lady. i figured i'd put it from my mind for the time being...observe the situation a little, as it were.

monday...another practice. it seemed to me at this time that perhaps my first impression of any relationship status was incorrect...just from things i can't quite explain. there was some more mild flirting...and i was finding myself oddly attracted to the aforementioned member of the female species. i attempted ignoring this to a degree during rehearsal...

well...there was fhe that night for the single peoples...and i figured i'd go. i still was avoiding certain situations, and it was a good excuse to not be at home. besides...joe was there! except that he left just as i arrived...hmmm... needless to say, in the darkened environment of the dusky sand dunes--surrounded by happiness and fire--i was feeling a little more up to attempted flirtations. this was initially done by increasing the proximity of myself with said girl of previous mention. this was mildly abnormal for me...considering i really didn't know her...and if ever i move that quickly in flirtatious ventures, it's because of exceptional circumstances in our individuals making acquaintance. this was not the present case, since i wasn't with any good friends at the time that would have caused for the slackening of my normal inhibitions. well...my "manoeuvres (2)," if you will, produced positive effects. this resulted in frolicking to the dune, scrambling up it...and some freakin' hardcore flirtage...and the admittance of such actions. (aka... something flirty... mild rejection... something else flirty... mild rejection... "what, i have to be more blatant with my flirting?"... "yeah, pretty much"...) what followed next was a movie...

to describe the events of the movie in a few words... game #1. you know...the hand game.

oh...my hand is accidentally on my leg, very near to your leg...where it accidentally touches you on occasion...

oh...my hand is hiding under my arm by your side...where your hand also happens to be conveniently concealed...

oh...i accidentally touched your fingers with my fingers...oops!

oh...we're holding hands...how the heck did that happen!!!

yeah...i hate games...they're so annoying! i play them because society and human nature dictate that i have to...but it doesn't mean that i have to enjoy it! contrive pleasure out of it, maybe...but not enjoy it.

well...from there things just kinda got interesting. we started spending considerable amounts of time together (inasmuch was possible under the given circumstances...). there was a moment at which we decided to venture out...and do something together...the two of us. a date, if you will. so...that would technically be the first one that we went on. and...it was at the temple...reading scriptures together on a blanket spread across the lawn of the grounds. i think it was wednesday or thursday...i can't recall explicitly. yeah...that's quite the first date: reading scripture while holding hands, surrounded by recently sealed couples and their photographers. wow! yeah... oh...and to make matters more interesting...we started talking about game #1, and how silly the coy little games are...and admitted that we had already started playing game #2. that was interesting...talking about the game while play is in session. under normal conditions i would say, "AWKWARD!" but...this was not at all...it was mildly fascinating and rather entertaining all around. and, during the course of the conversation, i was told, "you win..." which i interpreted as, "you have my permission to kiss me whenever you get up enough nerve to actually go through with it..." i was also told that i was a tease. that sentiment has since been repeated.

from this point, my life became much more...complicated?...in a good way. my mind was never quite able to rest from itself...not normal activity for me by any stretch of reality. i couldn't get her out of my head! i mean...wow, sir! uh...yeah. very quickly our relationship developed into one where open conversation was fostered and encouraged. by this, i mean that within a week and a half, there was talk skirting around the topic of eventual potential for marriage. actually...that technically happened as early as wednesday of the first week. i give you reference: "why...aren't you married yet?" and, in conjunction with the idea of developing our relationship, "haha yeah. however as long as it ends with us as good friends or a trip to the temple im okay with it." ok...just for the record, that's enough to scare the willies out of one! and it did.

well...game #2 was played through with time, and there was much rejoicing. (yea...) uh...yes. there after, there was a lot of things that happened, and yet not much at all. much time spent together. we would stay up late texting and talking (early, if you care to look at it that way...). one mild concern i had was that we only ever seemed to talk when were on the phone. face-to-face wasn't disagreeable time...it was just more...physical. obviously...face-to-face...but you know. there was more in the way of cuddling and kissing than there was of talking. that worried me ever so slightly. i was almost wondering if there wasn't a problem in the relationship...being that is seemed to be more for togetherness comfort than for anything else. i was concerned. i met her familiy, she met mine. things were going great.

well...time passed (that makes it sound like weeks or months, instead of days...) and we kept talking. we kept doing things together. we went on a walk around the greenbelt. that was really good. things occurred there. there was more talking...and stuff like that. i was feeling much better. don't get me wrong--feelings for the one in question have been high and unexplainable since the beginning (perhaps a source of the internal concern?...indeed), and i love her and want to be with her...i just...have doubts. i have concerns. i worry. i let my past experience catch up to me in ways perhaps i shouldn't. i allow other times and circumstances to try and influence the current ones. and i can't really do that...this is something totally different in all manners from anything i've ever gone through before--experientially, and sentimentally as well. the latter being the more important of the two. so...basically i've felt like i'm running around blindfolded in a maze full of pointy objects...but i don't really care. early on i told some of you...and myself...that she makes me comfortable...i can talk with her...i can tell her things that i don't usually tell people, and it doesn't bother me or make me uneasy. that doesn't make sense in my mind, and everything in me is screaming, "SHUT UP YOU IDIOT!"...but i just can't do it...and i don't care. i realize the danger of doing what i'm about...the chance that i may be putting my neck on the proverbial chopping block...the possibility of the fact that i'm opening myself up for heartache and pain--like a lot of it...and you remember what i answered to all that?

i don't care!

i just flat out don't give a (fill in with whatever expletive does or doesn't suit you) about that! i want to get to know her, because i feel that i've found someone that i'll be more than content spending the rest of my eternal existence with...and i'm willing to make the sacrifices necessary to find out if that's really the case. and so help me, if that means putting my heart and soul on the sacrificial alter...i'm ready to do it.

since that time, i've found nothing to contradict my initial impression concerning the potential of a relationship with said girl. i still consider that i may be blinded my infatuated twitterpation...and i'm willing to accept that for the time being. i'm not sure how long it takes to get past things like that. i've often said i want to know/date a person for a year--or at the very least 6 months...--before i make any rash decisions in regards to the status of our singularity. i'm currently finding it EXTREMELY hard to hold up to that resolution. i want to marry her now, dang it!

yeah...ok.

well, the other night (aka, yesterday...) i invited her over for dinner...and was terribly awkward in the presence of my own father...why? i don't know. because i'm so dependant on the approval of those i respect and look up to...and i want them to see in her what i see in her...and i don't know how to do that...and i'm pretty sure i look like a fool whenever i think and talk about her...and i can't stand that...because i'm so frickishly self-righteous and proud in my reasoning and abilities of logic...and it's so incredibly difficult to find myself in this position where i don't know what to think or do or say or how to act...and i can't reason...and i don't care, because all i want to do is be with her...and so i make a fool out of myself in the very act of trying to do exactly the opposite of that...and...and...and...AAAAAHHHHHH!!!

wow...okay...i think i feel a little better. maybe i should do this more often...for my sake, not yours...

so, like i was saying, then we went to the institute choir practice, which was all sorts of fun and stuff...and i was able to watch her a little bit interacting with others. if i hadn't been so absorbed in paying attention to the notes and words and the conductor, i would've been able to do a much more thorough job of it...but that's what other occasions are for, right?

well...anyway. afterward, we decided to walk around the greenbelt again, because we'd sort of gotten sidetracked the other time, and wound up in freeman park (i didn't even know that the greenbelt went over there!). this time...things went extremely well...much more than i ever could have hoped for. there was, of course, frequent stopping to cuddle and stuff...but it was different this time...and in a very good way. it made me very happy. we talked...about a lot of things...and things that i've been thinking about and wondering about and concerned about. it was marvelous. and it was face-to-face. i liked that a lot. i want to do more of it. it seemed that the being together didn't interfere with our endeavors to get to know each other, if you know what i mean? we didn't even have to "come up for air," as my goodly brother humberto insinuated...which, actually, i was very thankful for. not that i have anything against that sort of activity--it's very enjoyable and i like it. but...there's so much more to any meaningful relationship than getting whatever action it is in question on...you know? and i really felt that more than i ever have yet last night.

and it makes me happy. and it makes my resolve to wait until after january all the more difficult. i just want to say i love her...but it sounds so trite and insufficient. i'm not sure how to really express what i feel for her and how i feel around her. i don't know how to do it... i don't know if i really understand it completely myself...i just want to be with her. i don't want to leave her. i don't know if you understand that or not...

and so now i find myself doing silly, funny things. i laugh at myself, because i can see that i'm severely affected. i see that i don't act in a "normal" fashion. i see how i get all giddy and silly whenever i think about her...and how i just get random spurts of energy that overcome my entire system and make me want to scream out loud and make me feel like i'm gonna blow up inside...and i don't know how to explain any of that...and it worries me...and it make me excited...and it makes me just want to run around and hug people...and i feel so light and carefree...and that worries me. that's not normal. i'm supposed to be a pessimistic, mildly masochistic and slightly deranged and embittered person. what's wrong with me!

(sigh...)

okay...so i feel a lot better now. that was incredibly therapeutic. we'll have to play again soon. :)